October 18, 2019
I wanted to write a follow up post to the one about why I quit my job to further explain the reasons behind my decision to quit, but in the end, I think it came across how I wanted it to.
There were a lot of reasons I quit, and I kept rewriting my post because there were so many reasons but none of them seemed to do my decision justice. Mostly, I didn’t want to blame anyone- because it really wasn’t anyone’s fault. And I didn’t want to come across as “too sensitive for this world.” I may be sensitive, but that doesn’t mean I need to put up with unhappy situations. No amount of self help books or negative self-talk over the last 28 years has seemed to change the fact that I am sensitive, so I guess that trait is here to stay ~(*.*)~ accepting this has been hard, but that’s another blog post!
At its core, the issue was that I believed it was necessary to struggle and grind- isn’t grinding what you are supposed to do before there is a big payout? Is work really work if it isn’t painful?
I resisted quitting because then the grind would have been for nothing- there would be no promotion to make the struggle worth it. I also worried that it was my fault for not being able to make the job work- I would ask myself, why can’t I just do the job? Why can’t I just make myself be better?
What I should have asked was: why struggle? Why not do something I’m good at? Why not be brave? Sometimes a situation is just a bad fit, not a personal failure. It’s ok to accept that you were not made to do everything. You don’t have to go against the grain and pretend to be something you’re not, because that is exhausting. Maybe that’s obvious to some, but I never knew I could just try to get a job I might be good at. I never felt ‘ready’ or ‘worthy’. An enjoyable job could only be attained after the struggle, when I had 110% of all the necessary skills and qualifications. But, it turns out that if you apply to enough carefully curated jobs over the course of several months, eventually you might actually get one. And this time, it will actually be one you want. Whoa!